Chapter 23: Awake

- Taylor's POV -

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I tossed and turned in bed for an hour until I finally picked up my phone. I’d studied for my exam till 11 pm, and I was exhausted--but I still couldn’t sleep. About half an hour ago, I’d been hit with a wave of emotion from Brandon. I’d never felt so sad before.

In the past, I’d never had huge insecurity issues. I had a pretty average amount of self esteem. But ever since the emotion hit me, I’d felt completely worthless.

It’s like nothing even matters anymore, I thought, despondent. I don’t even care. I could kill myself right now, and nobody would care. Dad sure wouldn’t care.

No! I sat up in bed. That’s not true. Mom would care if I killed myself. The boys would care. Jamie would care! So many people would care! I can’t believe I let that thought in my head…

I unlocked my phone and texted Brandon. “Hey. You up?”

He replied almost immediately. “Yeah. I’m keeping you awake, aren’t I?”

I started to reply with a simple “yes,” but thought better of it. If I was feeling what he was feeling, he was in no place to know that he was keeping me awake. It would probably make him--and therefore me--feel worse. “Nah,” I responded. “I’m still studying.”

“Gotcha.” There was a temporary lull in the conversation, then he texted a second time. “How’s it coming?”

“As well as studying can go,” I lied. “I’m gonna take a break though. Up for FaceTiming me?”

“Actually, that would be great.”

I tossed my hair into a ponytail and turned on my bedside table light. My phone rang a second later and I answered it, grabbing my headphones so I didn’t disturb anyone. Brandon’s tired face popped up on my screen.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” he said. “Studying coming okay?”

“You already asked me that, and yes.”

His face fell, if it was possible for anyone’s face to fall while already looking so low. “Gosh, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m a mess right now.”

“Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.” I leaned back on my pillow. “If we’re going to be feeling the same things, we need to be open about them. I’ve felt this way from you a couple times already, and I want to know what’s going on and how I can help.”

Brandon sighed. He ran his hand through his dark blond hair. “When I was 13, my little sister Caroline died of leukemia…”

He told me the whole story. How much he loved his sister. How he was devastated when she died. How his thoughts started going downhill. How he felt so worthless, like a waste of mass and oxygen. How he had almost ended things. How he shoved the pain away. How it had come back.

I felt myself tear up throughout his story. He loved his sister so much. It was obvious that she was his world, even after her death. He described her to such length--her hair, how she laughed, her reaction when the doctors told her the news. He told me how he held her hand as she died. The way he told me, I could almost see her content smile as her pain finally ended and his deepened.

After a while, he stopped talking. I noticed he was crying. “I don’t know why I told you all that,” Brandon confessed. His dark eyes were glassy with tears. “I’ve never told anyone. Not even my parents know about how I feel. Nobody knows I…thought about ending things. Except you.”

I felt the weight of this knowledge press down on me, in addition to his sadness. Briefly, I received a stab of concern that wasn’t my own. He’s worried about me, I realized. He’s worried that all this will be too much for me to bear.

“Listen,” I said, trying to find the right words. I’d never had many friends, and even Jamie and I weren’t very close as far as friends go. You can do this. Just encourage him, be there for him. “I’m not very good at this sort of thing. Being a therapist friend, and all that. I don’t have many friends.” I was surprised I told him that. “But I’m glad you told me everything. I don’t think it’s good for anyone to keep that much sadness and emotions bottled up inside. Especially you. You seem so…happy. All the time.”

He nodded, eyes sad. “Yeah. I’ve always been an extrovert, but I guess after I shoved away all the feelings, I exaggerated my happiness.”

“Exactly.” I tapped my chin with my finger. “Thank you, Brandon. Thank you for opening up.”

“Of course.” Brandon exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “It feels…better. I guess. Kind of like a weight is off of my shoulders.”

“Good.”

“I’m sorry you had to listen, though. I haven’t told anyone because most of my friends are just surface friends, you know? And there’s Aiden, my best friend, who’s nice, but still. It’s hard for guys to get close.” He paused. “It just wouldn’t feel right to tell him I’m not who he thinks I am.”

“I understand.” We sat in silence. It felt appropriate.

“Are you going to be okay?” I asked him.

“I’ll probably be fine.”

“‘Probably’ worries me.”

“Oh, please don’t worry,” he begged. “That’s exactly what I don’t want to happen…gosh…”

“I mean, we do have this emotional connection,” I said, “which is kind of a big deal. I’ve felt your low points as much as…as you’ve felt my anger, I suppose. That’s a conversation for another time, though. For now, just call or text me when you’re feeling down, okay? Because I’m going to be feeling the exact same way.” Affection for him rose in my heart. A part of me wondered if it was going behind Henry, but Brandon was just a friend. Just a friend. So I let the warm feeling exist. “You’re my friend. I mean, I guess,” I hastily added. “I mean, we just met a couple weeks ago, but this connection is obviously not gone yet. And I’m gonna stick with you till we figure this thing out and we can both be ourselves.”

“And so I can finally live for a day without feeling your butterflies,” he chuckled softly.

I blushed. “Hey, it’s my first time. I’m inexperienced.”

“Obviously.” He raised an eyebrow, then smiled. “I’m going to try and get some sleep now. Thank you, Taylor.”

“Of course. Goodnight, Brandon.”

“Goodnight.”

***************

I woke to a text from Henry. “Hey…think we could meet up for coffee sometime today?” I smiled. “Of course. 3:30 pm sound good to you?”

He replied almost immediately. “Sure. I have a meeting at 2:15, but I’m sure I can make it.”

“Works for me. See you then :)”

I hopped out of bed, yawning. It had been a long night. Thankfully, I’d managed to fall asleep not too long after finishing my conversation with Brandon. I was exhausted from studying. Even the morning after, numbers and code flew through my head. I have to be ready for that final, I thought. It’s like 20% of my final grade…technically, I could still bomb it and get an A, but I sure don’t want to screw it up…

My phone dinged. It was Brandon: “Hey. You still up for maybe meeting today?”

I slapped my forehead. “I totally forgot!” I exclaimed. “He asked me on Friday…dangit!” An idea popped into my head. Wait…we could meet at 2:30, before I meet up with Henry. That might work.

I asked, and he said he would have time before chess club. It worked out perfectly.

I smiled to myself as I thought about Brandon meeting up with a bunch of chess geeks. It didn’t really fit him. Then again, I don’t know much about him.

I was feeling more tired than I should have, after sleeping in. Sorting out my feelings as best as I could, I realized that some of it was Brandon’s tiredness. “You feel tired,” I texted him. “Drink some coffee.”

“Haha,” he replied. “You’re right. I’ll do it. You seem to be doing fine, so keep up the good work.”

The ridiculousness was not lost on either of us.

The morning crawled by. Neither of my parents worked on Sundays, so it was usually quiet. Mom let the twins play video games, and I relaxed in the family room watching them and keeping Emilie occupied. At least no one is screaming, I thought absentmindedly as I stacked blocks for Emilie to knock over. She giggled as she toppled each tower, and I encouraged her to build her own. After lunch, she learned how to stack six blocks in a pyramid shape.

“Well done!” I clapped for my little sister, who laughed delightedly. “Wanna go show Mom? C’mon, let’s go show Mom!” Taking her by the hand, I shoved six blocks into a pocket made from the bottom of my shirt, and we walked to the front porch, where Mom was reading a book.

She immediately placed a bookmark in the book, and turned her attention toward us. “Check this out, Mom,” I said excitedly. Emilie stacked the blocks, blushing and giggling furiously as she did so. Both Mom and I clapped for her, and Mom pulled her into her arms.

“My baby girl is so big now!” she sang. Emilie’s chubby face couldn’t have smiled any wider. “I’m so proud of you!” Mom kissed her, holding her close. “Here, Tay, have a seat,” she gestured to the rocking chair beside her.

I glanced at my watch. “Okay, I have about thirty minutes before I have to get ready.”

“Get ready…?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I apologized. “I have a date today, at…” I almost slipped up and told her 3:30, but then remembered that I’d have to explain Brandon, and why I was meeting with him. He was still the only one who knew about the lightning incident. “…at 2:30,” I finished. “Might be out for a while too.”

“That’s okay.” Mom cuddled Emilie, who yawned. “So tell me about Henry.”

I blushed, feeling the butterflies again. “He’s 19, and really tall, and has blue-green eyes and brown hair. And he likes reading, which is so opposite of me, and he likes coffee too, and he said he was planning on majoring in accounting at this super expensive college.”

Mom raised her eyebrows. “Sounds like he’s a solid guy. Has he been creepy to you at all?”

“Nope.” I was glad I didn’t have to lie about that. I wasn’t sure I could lie to my mom anyway. After all that she’d been through.

We sat in silence for a while. Finally, I worked up enough courage to ask her. “How are you and Dad?”

She sighed. “He won’t talk to me. Any time I come in the same room as him, he leaves. He doesn’t want to fix things between us.”

“Do you really think they could be fixed?”

“No,” she answered after a pause. “I guess it’s gone past fixing now.”

“Well listen, maybe you should try and confront him about a divorce. This has been going on for far too long anyway. With the way he’s been acting toward you and the rest of us, there’s a very small probability he’ll say no. And once I’m done with this semester, which is really soon, then I’ll be able to work at least more hours, if not a second job.” I took hold of her hand. “We can get through this.”

She smiled weakly. “Yeah. You’re right. We can. But for now,” her voice took on a determined tone, “you need to go get ready for your date. Go on. I’ll save you some dinner if you’re late.”

“Thanks Mom.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek, then turned to go inside. The sound of a car distracted me--Dad was leaving. I didn’t give him a second thought, and went inside to get ready.

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(i hope you all are enjoying 2019 so far!! i just started school today and have yet to get used to the feeling of being dog tired all the time, but otherwise it's gone well for me)

(stay healthy!)